This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.
The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
| MARY: | Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us. |
| ME: | Pardon me? What are you talking about? Who is Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass? |
| JOHN: | If you kiss Hank's ass, he will give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he will kick the shit out of you. |
| ME: | What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down? |
| JOHN: | Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass. |
| ME: | That doesn't make any sense. Why... |
| MARY: | Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass? |
| ME: | Well maybe, if it is legit, but... |
| JOHN: | Then come kiss Hank's ass with us. |
| ME: | Do you kiss Hank's ass often? |
| MARY: | Oh yes, all the time... |
| ME: | And has he given you a million dollars? |
| JOHN: | Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town. |
| ME: | So why don't you just leave town now? |
| MARY: | You can't leave until Hank tells you to or you don't get the money; and he kicks the shit out of you. |
| ME: | Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars? |
| JOHN: | My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year and I'm sure she got the money. |
| ME: | Haven't you talked to her since then? |
| JOHN: | Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it. |
| ME: | So what makes you think he will actually give you the money if you have never talked to anyone who got the money? |
| MARY: | Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you will get a raise; maybe you will win a small lotto; maybe you will just find a twenty dollar bill on the street. |
| ME: | What does that got to do with Hank? |
| JOHN: | Hank has certain...connections. |
| ME: | I'm sorry but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game. |
| JOHN: | But it IS a million dollars. Can you really take the chance? And remember, if you DON'T kiss Hank's ass he will kick the shit out of you. |
| ME: | Maybe if I could see Hank; talk to him; get the details straight from him... |
| MARY: | No one sees Hank. No one talks to Hank. |
| ME: | Then how do you kiss his ass? |
| JOHN: | Sometimes we just blow him a kiss and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on. |
| ME: | Who is Karl? |
| MARY: | A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times. |
| ME: | And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you? |
| JOHN: | Oh no! Karl has got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here ia a copy; see for yourself. |
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on - From the desk of Karl - letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
| ME: | This would appear to be written on Karl's Letterhead. |
| MARY: | Hank did not have any paper. |
| ME: | I have a hunch that if we checked we would find this is Karl's handwriting. |
| JOHN: | Of course, Hank dictated it. |
| ME: | I thought you said no one gets to see Hank? |
| MARY: | Not now; but years ago he would talk to some people. |
| ME: | I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they are different? |
| MARY: | It's what Hank wants; and Hank is always right. |
| ME: | How do you figure that? |
| MARY: | Item 7 says - Everything Hanks says is right.- That's good enough for me! |
| ME: | Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up. |
| JOHN: | No way! Item 5 says, - Hank dictated this list himself.- Besides, item 2 says, - Use alcohol in moderation. - Item 4 says, - Eat right. - And item 8 says, - Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.- Everyone knows *those* things are right; so the rest must be true, too. |
| ME: | But 9 says, - Do not Drink. - which does not quite go with item 2. And 6 says, - The moon is made of green cheese. - which is just plain wrong. |
| JOHN: | There is no contradiction between 9 and 2. 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you have never been to the moon; so you cannot say for sure. |
| ME: | Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock... |
| MARY: | But they do not know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese. |
| ME: | I am not really an expert but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing *where* the rock came fromm doesn't mean it *could* be green cheese rather than rock. |
| JOHN: | Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right! |
| ME: | We do? |
| MARY: | Of course we do, Item 5 says so. |
| ME: | So, you're saying that Hank is always right because the list says so; the list is right because Hank dictated it; and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. |
| JOHN: | Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking. |
| ME: | But...Oh, never mind. What's the deal with the wieners? Mary blushes. |
| JOHN: | Wieners: in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong. |
| ME: | What if I don't have a bun? |
| JOHN: | No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong. |
| ME: | No relish? No Mustard? Mary looks positively stricken. |
| JOHN: | (shouting): There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong! |
| ME: | So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question? |
| MARY: | (sticking her fingers in her ears): I am not listening to this! La la la, la la, la la la..... |
| JOHN: | That is disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that... |
| ME: | But it is good! I eat it all the time. |
| Mary faints. John catches her | |
| JOHN: | Well, if I had known you were one of THOSE, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I want to be there. |
John drags Mary to their waiting car and speeds off. I go inside pondering about how some people would believe anything...